‘Don’t worry be happy’

Since 2009, health wise it’s been a huge roller coaster for me

2008
Constant pains in body, left hand side like a stitch

2009
Lost 2 stone in weight for no reason, legs shaking, difficulty in walking or doing anything that involved my legs
(eventually) diagnosed with hypo thyroid (after Doctor trying to diagnose me with depression or alcoholism)

2010
Diagnosed with vitamin D shortage (Doctor did not believe that there was a problem)
Diagnosed with glaucoma
Had cyst removed from back of head
Diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome

The symptoms that I am now left with are from the chronic fatigue, which still raises its head from time to time

  • Shortness of breath
  • Extreme tiredness
  • Emotional, like I want to cry
  • Being in a trance like state
  • Not being able to find the word or tripping over the word
  • Feeling bloated
  • Malaise
  • Feeling full of energy and fantastic – this one I have to reign on in as if I don’t I can feel awful for days as all my energy burns away

Of course, none of this is life threatening, for which I’m grateful, but it has left me kind of at odds with myself and how I fit back into the world which is no small task as I never really felt like I fit in anyway, not that I have ever yearned to fit in, perhaps being an only child potentially places you at odds with people, or maybe I’m just like everyone else

Things that I have found that help me through/ keep positive/ keep my pecker up

  • spirilina
  • vitamin D
  • vitamin C
  • chai
  • paracetamol (for pain)
  • herbal teas (green, chai, mint)
  • mindfulness
  • Zen thinking

One thing that was constant in the main health issues I had (thyroid, vitamin D and Chronic Fatigue) was the strong emotions that I felt, the thyroid made me extremely euphoric and positive and I was both surprised at how positive I was able to feel and also how difficult it was for some people to react to such hyper-positivity

Another positive state about being ill (particularly the hypo-thyroid) was that I could eat what ever I like as I just lost the weight, which felt great, but, as the nurse at the hospital told me one day, i was ‘full of toxins’ but why did I feel so great then?

It came as a surprise to me today during the period where I had chronic fatigue 24/7 I yearned for being ill with thyroid again, as that period felt great and so very positive but the fatigue made me feel like someone had unplugged me from an energy source

It is really is a wonder why I would yearn to be ill just so I would feel ‘good’

‘Violently happy’

Sometimes anger can come so quickly it’s alarming, I can be thinking about a lovely day ahead and one thought leads to another and like a train wreck my blood is boiling and am seeing red. I recognize this now, but I still don’t understand how or why this is the path that comes so easily

Why can’t I have a train of thoughts that leaves me giggling like a tiny child on the floor? Or has me figuring out the way to create world peace?

Perhaps I’m just not intelligent enough to do that, and I will just have to continue blindly falling my way through my life as per usual (?)

‘walking on sunshine’

Is ‘walking on sunshine’ physically possible? Or is this simply something to aspire too? Is it a realistic aspiration or something I should file under ‘pigs’ and ‘fly’

What would it feel like to walk on sunshine? Would I need radiation treatment afterwards?

I guess its more about the feeling? The feeling that you might get from walking on sunshine, but I’m not entirely sure what that feeling might be, but I’m taking a leap of faith and suppose its a good feeling, a great feeling, one where you might be walking on air perhaps, with little to concern you, worries are but an illusion. But what when you land, how might you feel then?

Your first instinct might be to try and jump back in the air again and get that feeling back, or to reflect on the time spent in the air and ‘was it good for you too?’, you might even think, ‘that was fun’, but never want it to again, you might not even enjoy the experience and think ‘what’s so great about walking on the air anyway?’

But it’s more than that, it’s actually waking ‘on’ sunshine, how is this possible? Have you had the most amazing experience ever and suddenly you can walk on something you can’t actually touch? How amazing is that?

Concept?

Happiness, as a concept, when you have to think about it, comes across a bit middle class, like having avocado for a starter, it’s a nice word (avocado) and as a thing it looks interesting, but when you get right down to it, it can be a bit slimey and really only goes well with other ingredients, preferably like guacamole, with a Margarita!

Living La Vida Loca

I think about people living, with little, is happiness something they can afford? Is happiness a luxury or essential component of the human race?

Of course, I assume that no one wishes to be sad, bitter, resentful or angry all of the time, and as a rest from this we all need to feel different to really appreciate the other side

I realise that I’m not really content, yet, and I’m ok with that, I’m content in my non-contentment. And in pursuing the contentment I am, in a way, on a journey to a better place, one where I feel less of the negative stuff and more of the positive, and in my life experiences so far, positivity makes me feel better than the negative although having a good rant or picking something apart can still give great joy

So…

So,
Happy = holy grail
Content = reality
Comfortably numb = ideal
Exhausted = most of the time
Hungry = lots
Horny = yes please
Angry = yes, sometimes
Indifferent = not sure
Like I want to belong = lots
That I don’t really care = even more

‘if you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands’

Have you ever not been happy and clapped your hands? Did clapping your hands make them sore = unhappy.

Did you once see a dull piece of theatre, but you were plonked near the front and out of politeness you felt you had to clap but in reality you couldn’t wait to escape the tedium you had been forced to endure, could it be possible you were clapping your hands and not happy?

I am informed from a ‘zen’ blog I read that ‘we’ won’t be happy with high definition TVs and tasteless turkey, what about at the same time? Would the turkey benefit from high definition?

And anyway, there’s a whole palate of potential joy on a plate, what about the roast potatoes, parsnips, cranberry sauce, stuffing, broccoli? gravy? ( I’m feeling peckish now) I’d happily go for tasteless turkey and delish roast potatoes and gravy anyday, and I think I would be happy, and who is there to tell me any different