Closed for refurbishment (1): Define your loose ends

Much has taken place over the last 6 months, the death of my father being a significant episode in my life. Of course it wasn’t just the death, but everything around and in between, the coroners inquest, the fact that the hospital withheld the truth from my step mother and me regarding my fathers health and that he had fallen 3 times in the hospital not 1, that a doctor has told hospital staff to let us know he was dying, but they with-held this information from us.

Dying now appears inconvenient in a way. Although there are limitless amounts of forms and phone calls to be made reminding you everyday that this event has taken place and that he is no longer with us.

Of course, we take solace in that ‘he will be ever alive in our hearts’  – but it’s not enough really.

So we have to move on

At the same time as my father dying and subsequent inquest, some people decided it was the right time to behave in a baffling way, bringing a squabble/ disagreement directly to our doorstop through the acts of texts and emails. It was so not the right time to do this to my partner and me, a month to the day of my fathers funeral, we had the joy of an email (and numerous texts) threatening my partner with a withdrawal of relationships unless he ‘retracted’ some words in an email.

How sad that this had to come to us at this time, but it made me acutely aware of my place in their thoughts, a place with little importance or a thought of kindness sent, in a way, it was good to know how people really felt, although tough to take at the time.

So we have to move on

To where?

I have been looking at closure and what this means, what is involved, and if it’s actually possible

I found this website: where I am drawing from first, let’s see what happens eh?

Define your loose ends. What is it that lingers in you that prevents you from moving on? What residual emotions are still tying you to this person? Usually it’s some form of anger or guilt – anger over what a person did to you, and you don’t feel they were held accountable to it, or guilt over what you did (or didn’t do) to (or for) someone else, and your resulting sense of regret.

I do wonder if I could have done more for my dad, but what? Lilian (my step mother) and myself were trying to catch up with him having Alzheimer’s and not eating, we were trying to get a diagnosis of the condition as their were similar symptoms to cancer – we didn’t know what to do – so relied on doctors and nurses guiding us.

My father looked after me as a baby and child, was I able to give that back? I always had this hope inside of me that things would improve once we had a diagnosis and be able to move forwards. In truth, he was dying and we didn’t know.

I wish he was here, so I could speak with him, the sad thing is with the Alzheimer’s it felt like my dad had left us anyway.

But recently, as I was sat in a park in Amsterdam, munching my organic apple, I looked at the clouds, and one tiny one held my attention, and I felt like my anger and sadness about my father evaporate like the cloud. Although it won’t be complete, I know that I am ready to move on.

In terms of the ongoing difficult relationships and disagreements that continue, that feels more complex as they are still around (I assume), but there is nothing I can do anything about this, as my position is that as a third party, no one has said anything directly to me, but the words and actions towards my partner has affected us both.

At a time when I lost my father, I also lost others through their withdrawal of friendships.

The loose ends with this one are that it is continuing, we are ignored, six months later. I feel anger about this situation because its so cruel and thoughtless – but also places us in a place where nothing that can be done will make anything better.

Perhaps its best to know what people really think about you, and then move on,

I am ready to move on.


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