trust the feeling

Trust the feeling

A distant rumble
A memory
Of a time of great activity
Was I that young?
Did I do so much?
The lessons of life

So much I have collected
Of a past well lived
It’s hard to part with past
When it’s been so good
But I should
Let go and begin to grow
In other ways
There are brighter days
That I could not even imagine then

My life in boxes
Who will keep this?
Will it just be landfill?
The sadness rises, my emotions
Full of surprises
Leading me down memory after memory

Good times,
That were celebrated, and now, I celebrate again

In time, this time will be a memory too,
‘Trust the feeling’ I believed to be true, a message I gave to my older self
And now older, I embrace, and trace that feeling to the core
Nothing more

We can not be, we are
We belong, in song, in melody,
In tune, in harmony, free
To explore, past, present and future

And that is how we know we truly live and can be,

Trust the feeling

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Snowballing to happiness:8: Another Life

I was looking at this image of me from years ago, a happy boy, on holiday in the Isle Of White. I know I was happy, I was playing in a kids playground.

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And then I wondered, who is that girl behind me? What life did she have? We must have been around the same age, is she having a good life somewhere, a family, friends, did she know she would be in this picture, does she think about that moment too, of is it just me?

This year was the first birthday I had where both my parents were not alive, the first one where a parent did not wish me ‘happy birthday’  – and then I remembered all the happy birthdays I had as a kid, all the presents, the cake, the good times.

Many memories of me as a baby/ child gone now, only my dad had them, now they are gone, does it matter? it doesn’t make me who I am now, and why does it matter to me?

Snowballing to happiness six: I am not #spambot

Well, that’s a very relaxing way to start the day, someone I followed on twitter yesterday who is a #herbalist #green #organic #motherhood #vegan sent me a link to click on that ‘validates’ that you are not a ‘spambot’ and therefore, perhaps, you might, get a follow back,

I’m not really that desperate or needy thank you, do I now need to prove I am not a spambot to get a follow back? has it come to this?

I feel hurt, offended and insulted that a total stranger feels it necessary to send a ‘direct tweet’ (which quite honestly is annoying in itself) asking me to click on a link and validate myself! for what? a follow back? who actually do they think that they are? If this twitter user had taken two seconds to glance over my tweets they would have seen, quite clearly, that I am not a spambot

Or maybe I am but I don’t know it – like in Bladerunner when one of the cyborgs doesn’t know they are a machine – but really all the memories are implanted

Then I reflect, why do I feel angry about this? perhaps its because its IT taking over the world, or that we become victims of other people’s paranoia, or that quite frankly, life is short enough and if that person can’t be bothered glancing over my tweets to check that there worst suspicions are not true, that I am not a spambot, then they might be able to relax

Baby, its your monkey, I ain’t feeding it – meaning, if this really is your concern that’s your stuff, why drag anybody else through it? I mean really, why go through a 3rd party validation service to prove something, isn’t that spam?

Snowballing to happiness sieben: Not a care in the world

I am pondering if to take up a new hobby, being a sociopath.

It looks pretty straightforward, you can work your own hours and ultimately you can get away with anything with little or no consequences other than people might think you a little ‘off’

Who wouldn’t dream of a journey where you could manipulate people for your own ends, lie and the only comeuppance is that people will give you a wide birth, what’s not to like? I mean really, you couldn’t make it up

One of the lessons that lfe has taught me is that people who don’t care about other people’s feeling have kind of got it made, they don’t stress out or are concerned or have an ounce of self-awareness so perhaps they are perfect in that way, emotionless and therefore unable to be hurt, but hurt others in their wake

so, to my new hobby I write a poem

I’m on a path,
to be a sociopath
you might think its crazy
but I will have the last laugh
 
I don’t feel you,
or even try
the truth will out
it’s a great big lie
 

Snowballing to happiness funf: on-line v non-line

I rarely spend time in on-line forums as people within that environment appear to be closed minded or indeed absent of any sense of humour.

Sometimes when I revisit the on-line forum world I wonder if I might of been too quick to judge, however recently when I engaged in an online conversation my original opinions were only confirmed

I wonder, if those people who are quick to judge in the on-line world are quite simply demonstrating how people are so quick to judge, in the non-line world and that anyone who has a differing point of view is a ‘hater’ or someone to be swatted away like an annoying fly. Reasoned debate or witty conversation seems to be a waste of time and perhaps a old fashioned approach when people on-line are more concerned with where an apostrophe might sit or that ‘people seem to forget that….’ And then just tell you how to think as opposed to celebrating difference

Some people arrive at a debate, make grandiose and offensive remarks and then say ‘you’re not helping with your childish remarks’ like somehow humour is more offensive than actual offensive remarks

Then I thought that if equality was a cake, people need to share it and not hog it like a greedy children – meaning that its all there to share – why do some people want to hog the limelight/ being right, what is so right about being right? Does it actually make anything in the world good or better?

Snowballing to happiness: Cuatro

There is a storm raging outside, the wind is throwing its weight around, tress bend, the sound rushes through objects and hits the house that protects me.

There is a storm raging inside, but little by little I am more aware of this, thoughts bend, sounds become quieter as I try to imagine the universe inside me, dark and quiet with stars of thoughts drifting in space, the universe inside me that protects me

I wonder if the pursuit of inner peace is a selfish one, sitting here with the storm raging outside; shouldn’t I be doing something to protect the trees? But what can I do, the storm would still rage if I was here or not, so let it blow, let it make all the noise it wishes, I don’t cause the storm, and it is a wonder of nature to see how the world continues without our involvement.

Getting caught in a storm can be a frightening and scary experience, without protection. Leaves can whip up and strike you, wind can burn your eyes and make them water, umbrellas can be destroyed by one snarl of wind, and then you are left to the elements. I think, in those times, its best to let yourself get wet and hope that there is a warm towel and drink waiting for you somewhere nice.

Storms always pass, then there is calm.

 

Snowballing to happiness: thrice

As I was attempting to meditate, my mind seemed like a sea of thought, not raging, but churning, wave after wave, thought after different thought, each one rising and falling

Recent circumstances mean that I feel angry with how some people have behaved, I am trying to make peace with this situation so that this situation does not own me or take charge of my day. I am finding this difficult. My mind wanders back to the situation, in an attempt, I feel, to make sense of the non-nonsensical.

Most of my adult life I spent attempting to make things good for people, whether be helping to improve services and procedures or in helping support people through a difficult time. I am surprised that some people that I thought I was close too have chosen to behave insensitively towards my life experience. I guess I didn’t really have any expectations from them until I realised that they were sending out negativity towards our household when I am grieving. I guess I have found some boundaries

I found myself in a situation where people were threatening to withdraw their relationships, at this point I realised that in a short space of time I was losing contact with lots of people, those that have died and those still alive.

Is the loss any greater?

How do you make peace within yourself when others around you behave hysterically? I usually am relatively calm but when the hysteria reaches you in your home through emails and texts and invades your privacy it feels that negativity can easily invade your own space and privacy and before you know it you are wound up and wounded.

I thought of a quote, ‘To err human, to forgive devine’.

I hope that I can forgive these people who trespass against us, but I not able to do this now. So how can I? How can I reach a place where insensitive comments and actions don’t affect me or impact on my life, is this actually possible? or do we try to shift and adjust ourselves to let the negativity wash over us? How do we know its washing over us like water off a ducks back, what are the signs apart from a damp back?

What one action can I take today that moves me closer to forgiveness and acceptance? without losing sense of self and boundaries?